Well, well, well... What do we have here? You must be our new recruit that signed up to join our $^@#ing crew. Do you have what it takes @$$clown to make it in our group? Quit f$%@ing talking because we will see if you can dish out as much $hit as your mom can talk. Plug your gun into any enemy hole you can find and let loose all that steamy hot lead and get ready to unload a title wave of ammo and unleash your... well leash as you get your skull thumped in this latest game from People Can Fly and Epic called Bulletstorm.
Earlier, Xbox Live gamers got a treat as a demo of Bulletstorm went live and gave us a taste of what it's like to shoot someone in the balls, then kick their f$%^ing head right off. The full retail game delivers much more than the demo and the crew at People Can Fly have a truly Epic hit on their hands. Now we here at XboxAddict are going to show your ignorant @$$ what the f#$k is really up as we take you by the hand and lead your baby nuts through all the aspects of this gory, and hilarious shooter. F$%k a helmet, here's a cup, get ready.
To start things off one of the great aspects of a game is the story. The demo thankfully didn't do anything f#$%ing stupid by leaking critical points, and that is one of Bulletstorm's biggest surprises. You take control of the main bad@$$ named Grayson Hunt and follow his adventures on a crazy alien planet with one of his crew named Ishi, not sushi @$$hole. You are a leader of a group of elite Confederate soldiers, or assassins if you want to be technical, and right from the beginning you are thrust into a world of $hit as everything gets turned upside down and craps on your head. The story goes on and the adventure you partake in delivers an amazing and hilarious experience that should only be experienced by those who have gone through puberty. Bottom line, if your nuts have dropped and you feel like you can handle a stiff challenge for yourself, then unzip because in Bulletstorm, weak @$$ b!tches need not apply.
Graphically the game is one of the most beautiful games you'll ever see on the Xbox 360. The geniuses at People Can Fly and Epic have stuffed this game's glory hole with so much f$@#ing beauty that your eyes will be climaxing with every f$@#ing turn. The background and settings are better than we could ever expect and the detail work on the textures are done so masterfully that Bulletstorm does a wonderful job immersing yourself into this strange and f$#@ed up alien planet. The character modeling is another great surprise as you can see every little detail in the faces and bodies that you shove your boot up into. Watch as you literally kick the f#@$ing teeth right out of your opponent as your boot crushes it's jaw and sends him flying right off the cliff, screaming all the way down like a little b!tch. The environment is not only beautiful but it's one deadly son of a b!tch, and if you're not careful, you won't be the only thing being called a prick.
The sound of Bulletstorm relies heavily on its dialogue. The music alone is average and I think one of the weakest points of the game. That's a big f$#@ing disappointment coming from an audiophile @$$hole like myself. The music you hear throughout the game varies between generic melodic music that you have come to expect, to a more intense action sequence that is sampled over and over and over again (until you defeat all the enemies, then it's back to square one again). The main enjoyment throughout the audio of Bulletstorm like we said, is the conversations you have throughout the game. The humor is something that will either make you feel disgusted, or if you're not namby-pamby, make you laugh and enjoy hearing everything. I do wish that Bulletstorm incorporated a voice over for the different types of kills. I'd rather hear a deep sadistic voice boom over the speakers and yell "GANG BANG", other than just reading the pop up that comes up on the screen. I didn't make the game so oh f$#@ing well.
Play control innovation in a first person shooter is something that is critical to set you apart from the other games in the genre. Bulletstorm; I'm proud to say does come from the "Duty free" store and offers some Epic innovations that solve the not so fresh feeling that we get from generic copies of sequels. For starters, yes you have the generic aim and shoot buttons, you can switch weapons, so you may be asking yourself now "what the f$#k is so innovative about Bulletstorm?" Well for starters @$$munch, to help keep things fluid you are given a sliding boot kick which will help keep your @$$ out of the line of fire as you zip your way to your enemy and ultimately knocking the ever loving $hit out of them. This is a very useful tool as you can slide between cover and shove your boot up an enemies' @$$hole. The targeting is generic and does offer a snap feature which will allow you to quickly lock onto a target and have your way with them, which in a heated gunfight can be the difference between living and becoming compost. Another great innovation is the energy leash. Just like the nightmares you may have of getting your hands rapped by a nun's yardstick for mouthing off, the leash constantly grades your performance and will reward you if you do something right, but punish you if your showboating falls short of success. You can use your leash, not only on enemies, but on the environment as well which makes this multi-tool one of your most dangerous weapons in the game. Not only can you just whip it out on some enemies, but you can also upgrade your leash to deliver a womping thump to the ground which will send all enemies and explosive elements in the area flying into the air where you have multiple options to deal out death. One drawback of Bulletstorm is that the levels are very linear, so exploration of this beautiful planet is highly limited; however, this allows you to focus more on making another hole in your enemy than searching for something completely pointless. In the end though, it's not so bad of a trade off, if you're looking to explore a vast planet, then go buy yourself some diapers, a bottle, and a different game, if you're looking to prove to everyone that you are a lead slinging, ball grabbing, mother f#$%er, then this is for you.
Another great aspect of Bulletstorm is the multiplayer. If you're lucky enough to have friends (besides your mom), then Bulletstorm offers some entertaining and amazing co-op action. Finding its way into is a pseudo horde mode called Anarchy which will allow you and 3 other friends to form a 4 person group of sheer annihilation. Wave after wave of different enemies and even mini bosses will appear to make sure that you have a really $hity day. Leveling up is the name of the game and there are achievements to unlock for you gamerscore whores out there so make sure you work together as a team, otherwise you'll be punching your pud solo and that will only lead you to a quick trip to the clouds. Echo mode is basically a watered down version of the campaign so if you wish to be a dumb f$%#ing piece of monkey spunk, then by all means play Echo mode first. Throughout Echo mode you are graded not just on how big your balls are with your killing skills, but how fast and efficient you can traverse the levels. Take your time and you'll be completely worthless, speed through it and you'll become a bad@$$, it's a simple concept to understand, even if you ride the short bus. If you're done with pre-school, you'll be able to rack up thousands of points and bathe the screen red with your target's blood.
This game has a lot of good things going for it but one jewel that has to be mentioned are the skill shots themselves. Throughout the game you'll experience tag lines such as "Gang Bang", "Topless", "Pricked", "Shocker", and one of my personal favorites "Ejaculation" (this happens when you send an enemy out an airlock). You do have your basic headshot skills but let's face it, headshots are something that everyone has experienced before in a first person shooter, so the real fun comes from you trying your hardest to think of creative ways to send your enemies to their maker. If you want to see who is the biggest d!ck out there, the scores from the kills in your game will dispel any fantasy thoughts. Your score from the various skill shots will add up and just like life, size does matter.
Bulletstorm offers a great innovative fresh perspective on how to deliver a fantastic first person shooter title. While sticking to the foundations that we all grew up on, Bulletstorm drags us from the breast kicking and screaming only to find out that we get a bottle of Jack to suckle from now on. Bulletstorm caters to our darker sadistic side which we all have wanted to let out. You won't find any bull$h!t tangos and by the end of Bulletstorm you'll be saying "Chief this." Bulletstorm is a must have for anyone who has ever wanted to shove a gun up an enemies' @$$hole, whisper in their ear "Go F$@k yourself", then shoot their load deep inside till they are pasted all over the ground. Now the only question is, why the f$#ck are you reading this and not playing Bulletstorm?