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Stiffy
04-11-2002, 04:57 PM
I already posted this at Team X-box, but a buddy of mine told me to post it here as well. So, good, bad, or ugly...here it is! Here's to hoping the guilty take note as to what my satire is trying to say! :D

4/11/02

-USA Today, Entertainment Section
The Videogame industry is in mourning today after the death of the videogamer. The gamer reportedly died after spending too much time worrying about competing consoles, market shares, and demographics, instead of actually playing their games. Sources close to the gamer describe say it was a slow death that has spanned since the beginning of the Internet. 36 year-old Susan Kolch, a mother of a gamer in Chicago, says she mourns her son's demise. "He used to be so happy. You know, he'd come home with his friends, they'd pop in whatever was the newest hit. I remember those boys laughing for hours. Now, he comes home, alone, and reads the latest sales figures from anyone who will sell it to him. I even caught him buying a bogus sales report from a homeless man last week becasue he said he had proof that the PS2 has failed in Greenland. It's just horrible." Console manufacturers also share some of the grief, who claim utter shock that the videogamer would rather be a market researcher. Shigeru Miyamoto, a leading developer for the Nintendo states, "I'm very displeased. This is insult to entire way of videogame culture. Games bring happiness, that is why Nintendo hire market analyists to do sales research instead of gamer, becauses sales research does not bring happiness." Bill Gates, who's gaming hat was thrown in the ring last year with the X-Box, was shocked by the gamer's death, saying, "Man, and I thought I was a nerd." The videogamer lived a long and fruitful life, its beginings rooted in arcades scattered across malls throughout the world. Then, in the late 1970's, the gamer saw a revolutionary change in the industry, as the home console offered unlimited play time in the living room. The videogamer was elated. The industry was indestructable...or so it thought. "No one ever thought that the one thing that would kill the gamer would be itself," states Seamus Blackley, head of marketing for the X-Box. "Not the conservative politician. Not technology. It was the gamer's own doing. Incredible." Funeral services will be held next week.

Xtopia
04-11-2002, 05:01 PM
ooooooh, I get it! That is supposed to teach me something! J/K. That was kinda cool.

DZNUTZ
04-11-2002, 05:03 PM
i dont' know how to comment on this one...
first off...some verification to the validity of this story would be nice
and second..if it is true....not that i scoff at someone passing away....but at the same time...it sounds like that person had some serious issues. what caused the death...stress?!?! that just sounds kinda rico-ckulous if you ask me.

Stiffy
04-11-2002, 05:04 PM
Originally posted by xtopia
ooooooh, I get it! That is supposed to teach me something! J/K. That was kinda cool.

What? Me, a teacher? Ewww....
Nope, just lightly poke at all these worry warts out there who'd rather look at sales figures than play games.

*waits patiently for people to slam this opinion*:D

cornflake
04-11-2002, 05:04 PM
wtf? how did he die? wtf!

edit - OH I GET IT

Stiffy
04-11-2002, 05:07 PM
Originally posted by DZNUTZ
i dont' know how to comment on this one...
first off...some verification to the validity of this story would be nice
and second..if it is true....not that i scoff at someone passing away....but at the same time...it sounds like that person had some serious issues. what caused the death...stress?!?! that just sounds kinda rico-ckulous if you ask me.


*watches as the clue plane flies over DZNUTZ's head* Hee hee, just kidding dude. No, I wasn't saying that it killed a specific GAMER. I said it killed THE VIDEOGAMER in general...as in worrying about all this sales report nonsense is killing the spirit of what this hobby is REALLY all about. Instead, people are dying as videogamers and are reincarnating themselves as market analysts.

l Maximus l
04-11-2002, 05:08 PM
hehe...I didn't bother reading it...I am too busy playing Halo :D hehe

Stiffy
04-11-2002, 05:09 PM
Originally posted by Maximus
hehe...I didn't bother reading it...I am too busy playing Halo :D hehe

Now that's the type of responses I love to hear!!!! Kudos Maximus, you understand loud and clear.

Huckleberry
04-11-2002, 05:22 PM
Stiffy...NOOOOOOOO! say it isn't so! not "THE GAMER"!!! man, i remember that guy...he was the best ever at Automobili Lamborghini for N64. he could drive that game and never hit a thing...well...nobody ever hit a thing playing that game...but...

NOOOOOOO! dang! since i now have nobody to play bloodwake with :confused: , i guess i'll just see how long it's going to take for xbox to outsell all other consoles...at current sales projections, of course

*huck opens Excel (another microsoft product) and tries to port the hidden flight sim to the xbox*

DZNUTZ
04-11-2002, 05:24 PM
no seriously...i've read some b.s. posts before stiffy.....and when i took notice that you only had 12 post...emmm ya catch my drift? the only reason i wasn't totally mean is 1. cuz i try not to be on theses forums and 2. your sig said your were in the circle of 12.
which if i recall correctly...thats the halo group huckleberry is in...and he seems to be a strightshooter. ( no pun intended) ok so there was a pun intended....SUE ME

Huckleberry
04-11-2002, 05:30 PM
lol, dz

stiffy is a great guy...one of the funniest you'll ever meet (except when he answers my home phone like edith bunker, and it's my sister calling to tell me that my grammie is in the e.r.)

he's very tongue in cheek, although it's been less of a problem since his doctor told him that tongue in cheek was a metaphor, and that even if it was to be taken literally, it wasn't implying ass cheeks!

Stiffy
04-11-2002, 05:43 PM
Doh Huckleberry! Enough with you and my ass cheeks! DZ, let me introduce meself. Yup, I'm new around this thread, but not new to XBA. You'll usually find a good number of my posts under Team x-box, my handle being worst.name.ever. So, excuse my number of threads here. I'm a legal, qualified, longtime lover of all that is videogames. And yes, I wear women's panties...just don't tell my wife.

GokuX
04-11-2002, 07:58 PM
U know Stiffy I bet your satire is pretty close to reality for some people. Seriously, there are people with real problems that would have the same life U described in your story.

Crazy Joe
04-11-2002, 10:48 PM
Originally posted by DZNUTZ
no seriously...i've read some b.s. posts before stiffy.....and when i took notice that you only had 12 post...emmm ya catch my drift? the only reason i wasn't totally mean is 1. cuz i try not to be on theses forums and 2. your sig said your were in the circle of 12.
which if i recall correctly...thats the halo group huckleberry is in...and he seems to be a strightshooter. ( no pun intended) ok so there was a pun intended....SUE ME

sounds like someone is upset because they were too dimwitted to get the joke of the thread.

Dre
04-11-2002, 11:20 PM
Originally posted by Huckleberry
*huck opens Excel (another microsoft product) and tries to port the hidden flight sim to the xbox*

Its not a flight sim, its a cheesy racing car game...kinda like the old spy-hunter actually.

DZNUTZ
04-11-2002, 11:37 PM
yea i guess i should start reading all the threads, instead of skimming,,,guessi shouldn't of skipped the first line where he says take note of his satire. guess that'll teach me.

Highlite23
04-12-2002, 12:42 AM
Originally posted by Stiffy



*watches as the clue plane flies over DZNUTZ's head* Hee hee, just kidding dude. No, I wasn't saying that it killed a specific GAMER. I said it killed THE VIDEOGAMER in general...as in worrying about all this sales report nonsense is killing the spirit of what this hobby is REALLY all about. Instead, people are dying as videogamers and are reincarnating themselves as market analysts.

Dude, i can't stop laughing.......................

Huckleberry
04-12-2002, 01:19 AM
Originally posted by Dre


Its not a flight sim, its a cheesy racing car game...kinda like the old spy-hunter actually.

i've not seen the car racing game, but excel 97 had a flight simulator. it looked sort of like that old tank game where the whole screen was black, but the tanks and objects were in that neon green. you could fly around, and in certain areas you would find the names of the developers.

i heard, but this was never verified, that some fairly large companies got all over microsoft when the flight sim was discovered, because office was already a space hog, and at that point hard drive space was VERY valuable. i heard that they got microsoft to eliminate those sorts of things from office after that. apparently not, if there is a spyhunteresque game in there now!

Toder
04-12-2002, 01:51 AM
Bill Gates, who's gaming hat was thrown in the ring last year with the X-Box, was shocked by the gamer's death, saying, "Man, and I thought I was a nerd."

Man that had to be the best part of the story.

On another note the flight sim game in excel 97 does have the the names of all the developers and plus some extra little goodies lying around. Also i heard if you are traveling in the right spot you can see a robot walking around but you have to be moving at top speed or you'll never see it.

Duke
04-12-2002, 07:21 AM
I am a regular at microsoft.public.xbox. Thanks to the article I have found the afterlife of "the gamer" mentioned in the article.

I spend more time over here, but the volume of those kinds of posts is definitely more in control here. Of course MPX is unmoderated. Or not moderated or whatever.

Dre
04-12-2002, 09:45 AM
Ok, its the spy-hunter game in Excel 2000 and XP... if any of you wanna try it out here's how:

Under file menu, do 'Save as Web Page'
Say 'Publish Sheet' and 'Add Interactivity'
Save to some htm page on your drive.
Load the htm page with IE. You should have Excel in the middle of the page.
Scroll to row 2000, column WC. Select row 2000, and tab so that WC is the active column.
Hold down Shift+Crtl+Alt and click the Office logo in the upper-left.
If you have DirectX, you will be playing what looks like spy hunter. Use the arrow keys to drive, space to fire, O to drop oil slicks, and when it gets dark, use H for your headlights.

Stiffy
04-12-2002, 10:04 AM
Yeah, I think the reason I wrote this little fake article is because I'm tired of this industry being overloaded by so-called fly by night experts. I'm tired of the typical 13 year old staying up all hours of the evening reading first quarter earnings, when we all know good and well that he should be playing Halo.

Let's look at it another way, by substituting the product (videogames) with a different one...like beer. Let's say you and your friends decide to throw a little shindig at your house this weekend. Everything's in place...except for which kind of beer to get. One guy wants Fat Tire. Another wants Sierra Nevada, and yet a third guy wants to go ghetto and get Coors. After much discussion, you all decide on a keg of Sierra Nevada (my personal favorite). The party begins, and within an hour, your house is transformed into one heck of a good time. Over fifty people are crammed into your small apartment, the music's going, and the mood is perfect. Everyone's having a blast...everyone except for the guy who wanted the keg of Coors. He's sitting in the kitchen, sales report in hand, explaining to the crowd that the party will be an utter failure because Sierra Nevada had a poor first quarter.

It's not the biggest party, nor the most popular...but people are having fun.
Care to pour yourself a cup?

Huckleberry
04-12-2002, 10:06 AM
hmmmm....didn't work for me. i have xp with directx 8, and office xp. i'm sure it's cool, though. i had a blast at work with the flight sim a few years ago

Dre
04-12-2002, 10:13 AM
Originally posted by Huckleberry
hmmmm....didn't work for me. i have xp with directx 8, and office xp. i'm sure it's cool, though. i had a blast at work with the flight sim a few years ago

Its kinda picky... you have to scroll with the scrollbar and you can't overtab. I just tried it out and I have XP and Excel XP and got it working.. but only on my 2nd try.

Huckleberry
04-12-2002, 10:21 AM
Originally posted by Stiffy

Let's look at it another way, by substituting the product (videogames) with a different one...like beer. Let's say you and your friends decide to throw a little shindig at your house this weekend. Everything's in place...except for which kind of beer to get. One guy wants Fat Tire. Another wants Sierra Nevada, and yet a third guy wants to go ghetto and get Coors. After much discussion, you all decide on a keg of Sierra Nevada (my personal favorite). The party begins, and within an hour, your house is transformed into one heck of a good time. Over fifty people are crammed into your small apartment, the music's going, and the mood is perfect. Everyone's having a blast...everyone except for the guy who wanted the keg of Coors. He's sitting in the kitchen, sales report in hand, explaining to the crowd that the party will be an utter failure because Sierra Nevada had a poor first quarter.

It's not the biggest party, nor the most popular...but people are having fun.
Care to pour yourself a cup?

hi, stiffy! fat tire? OVERrated! their sales forecasts are horrible, and i hear that they're the only beer that will not have online capability by Christmas...well, unless you want to spend 300 dollars on a hard drive and broadband bottle opener!

Stiffy
04-12-2002, 10:23 AM
I knew you'd like the beer comparison! And, don't knock the Fat Tire. Sources say it will revolutionize the way we drink beer with its cutting edge graphics.

Huckleberry
04-12-2002, 10:30 AM
Originally posted by Stiffy
I knew you'd like the beer comparison! And, don't knock the Fat Tire. Sources say it will revolutionize the way we drink beer with its cutting edge graphics.

well, i'm not buying into that rumor. i'm waiting until they get a decent 64 meg TASTE card.

Huckleberry
04-12-2002, 10:31 AM
Originally posted by Lethaldose12



I have to say next to the guy that wrote the thing bout buying games and selling them to get more and not lose money this has to be dumbest post i have ever read on here. I cant believe i wasted 5mins of my life on this stupid ass post. What a waste of time. dont post dumb shi t on here!

not too into satire/sarcasm, are we?

Stiffy
04-12-2002, 10:33 AM
Originally posted by Lethaldose12



I have to say next to the guy that wrote the thing bout buying games and selling them to get more and not lose money this has to be dumbest post i have ever read on here. I cant believe i wasted 5mins of my life on this stupid ass post. What a waste of time. dont post dumb shi t on here!

Wow. Somebody needs a hug.

Huckleberry
04-12-2002, 10:38 AM
stiffy, i thought i donate my 200th post to your thread. only 4600 more and i'll be right up there with maximus. of course, by then, he'll have about 18,000!

Stiffy
04-12-2002, 10:45 AM
*sniff* I'm so...honored Hucky!

Oh yeah, Lethaldose12...I'd like to know why you didn't like the post. Did you think:

1. It wasn't funny? Cool, I can deal with criticism.
2. Didn't agree with the point I was making? Hmmm....that I can argue.

The point is, don't just come into a thread that you chose to read and slam people for no reason. I'd never do it to you, no matter how myopic your opinion sounds. I'd appreciate similar respect. After all, it's respect that separates the fanboys from the true gamers. :D

Huckleberry
04-12-2002, 10:52 AM
Main Entry: my·o·pia
Pronunciation: mI-'O-pE-&
Function: noun
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek myOpia, from myOp-, myOps
Date: circa 1752
1 : a condition in which the visual images come to a focus in front of the retina of the eye resulting especially in defective vision of distant objects
2 : a lack of foresight or discernment : a narrow view of something
- my·o·pic /-'O-pik, -'ä-/ adjective
- my·o·pi·cal·ly /-pi-k(&-)lE/ adverb

oddly enough, when thinking that this defnition might be helpful, i went to the american heritage dictionary through yahoo. upon entering myopic, i found that they had no listing for the word...apparently suffering from the very definition!

Stiffy
04-12-2002, 11:25 AM
Phew, thanks for checking that Huck. Sometimes I throw words into sentences cheese curds mixed with poo that make no sense porno midgets.

Felix
04-12-2002, 05:14 PM
eww gross?! :confused: :D

Huckleberry
04-12-2002, 07:17 PM
Originally posted by Lethaldose12


Hey huck i have a word for you to look up. Pointless cause thats what this post is. This post is bout as funny as having root canal. Hey but thats just my opinion.

Main Entry: point·less
Pronunciation: 'point-l&s
Function: adjective
Date: 1582
1 : devoid of meaning : SENSELESS (a pointless remark)
2 : devoid of effectiveness : FLAT (pointless attempts to be funny)
- point·less·ly adverb
- point·less·ness noun

stiffy, we have been found out! the truth about our attempts to be funny (and that is directly from mirriam webster's dictionary) were described perfectlyy